I listened to Mo Gawdat (author of Solve For Happy) on the ‘How to Fail’ podcast yesterday, during a moment where I felt scared about the future. I had been terror scrolling Twitter during my allotted social media half hour and had seen a headline proclaiming that the economy would never recover from the Coronavirus crisis and that we are headed for the worst recession in living memory (thanks Sky News).

This taps straight into my worst fear. The one I call ‘bag lady complex’. In my 20’s, while I was studying at University and living in a student house my Mum was made homeless. This was thanks to a bitter divorce and the house I grew up in being repossessed. If I think about the day I went to help her pack up our house and move into a temporary hostel I feel the pain of it as if it was now.

Since that day this has become the thing I am most terrified of happening to me, and has led to a very complicated and unhealthy relationship with money (an almost pathological need to spend it) possessions (having lots and lots of them, but all portable in case I need to move at speed) and debt (I can’t even go there) and an illogical fear of owning property (in case it is taken away from me). Its also the thing I am most scared of looking at/facing and while I am happy to talk about addiction, anxiety and depression – money is taboo. Even writing about it on here makes me feel slightly sick.

As I listened to Mo talking my mind settled as I realised that what had been triggered were memories of the past and thoughts of the future, all of which means that I am OK right now and he’s right. On this day, in this moment I am OK, and in these strange times that really is all I need to focus on.

If we go into a recession then a) we’ll all be in it (not just me) and b) we’ve been through them before – and in fact many times during my lifetime. Maybe this will be my moment to finally look at my relationship with money and take some control of it but in the meantime there is a virus to contain.

(Quick note, I’m aware that this blog was meant to be about leaving corporate life and writing a book. Events have somehow overtaken that original purpose but I will get back to writing about writing very soon).

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